imaginary interview: part one

[This imaginary interview exists because something about this event was deeply disturbing (hence interesting) to me.  I figured if I told the story I might find out something about why, or at least have a slow-mo look at what happened -- but hark&lo I couldnt write it.  Then after makin everyone miserable for a coupla days I hadda idea --  " whooppee, I'll pretend Sagey's interviewing me about it--no matter what kinda boring stuff she wants me to talk about, I always can and it's always fun so humph likely it'll work on this, too."]

Sage:  So did something happen, that got you interested in rural highspeed?

Kite:  Yeah well what happened was skype, when I skyped with you & Paul from the cybercafe, and on the way home I said…”hmmm, skyping from home!”  So — oh right, computersharing — well it pretty much falls out that we shareout the times of day, and since I’m the only one awake from 2 to 4 am, that’s my time — so I find TwinkleTwinkle, rural highspeed, and I dont read the page cause I know it’s an ad — ie, a bunch of legally-defensible lies — however 2 blips get through my antiad security:  “30 times faster than dial-up” and “affordable”.  So I send an email sayin “how much does it cost” and next night there’s a reply “o we need yr phone # to determine if yr in our service area.”  I go out to the roundtable and havva smoke and consider if givin TwinkleTwinkle the phone# could result in ferinstance a telemarketer blitz or something.  I decide nah, because that’s practically stalking, even if yr not famous,  and would be bad for business.  So I divulge the phone#.

                 Next day at roundtable Pokey says “Oh Kitey do you know anything about some man from TwinkleTwinkle who left you a callback message?”  “Grrr,” sez I, “just erase it, I am gonna do this by email.”  I email TwinkleRep sayin I hate phone kindly respond via email.   Also by then I’d hadda grand fantasyblab with Pokey and Badger of the sparkling possibilities of Living In TheFuture and all like that, including wonderments such as:  What’s the broadcast radius of a router?  If we had one at the kitchen would it service the Gardenshed? The Coop? – because you know, 2 folks have private laptops… so I asked about router too, except called it that little box with the electricblue blinkysweep that citypeople have cause I didnt know the router word yet.  TwinkletwinkleRep says multiple users suck speed.   I ask again how much does it cost which’s the makeorbreak info — response:  Big Sale this month…..(Eeeyore moan)   Well, to compress:  After 3 weeks the only $ amount vouchsafed has been that $51 &change per month is the lowestcost package, upon which I immediately asked:Do you contract at that amount for the whole 2 years?  response: legaleeze mumbojumbo…

                I sidetrack my temper conjurin creative ways to ask how much does it cost…my favorite was “What are the magic words I write that elicits a dollar amount re how much does installation cost”, hee-hee, … and then….oh right, TwinkleTwinklerep notifies me I have 5 days left in which to take advantage of introductory offer which’s $250 off reg installation price! — call this phone number.

Sagey laughs

                       Yeah, I know…. and you know I am not a great phoneblabber….so I fill in everyone at the roundtable and Badger & Paula say “Hey I want this too, I would chip in”, so I decide to call.   Fortunately that afternoon we have a break in the thunderstorm/tornado portion of our weather program, so I can do telephone outside at roundtable and smoke — you know we dont smoke in the kitchen [irate]oh unless we are the bigimportant Makers of the Nosmokin Rule in which case we secretly smoke in there whenever we fuckin feel like it which’s extrememly Congressional of you girlz — ,ack — um — well you can edit that, right?

Sagey giggles: Right.

So now I’m On the Phone.  After quite a few nosy questions, at last the secret installation fee is revealed — $284.  I am still afloat, because hey by the time installer arrives here I will have that cash in hand, yippee!!  However next comes the crash:

credit card #?

dont have credit card.

debit card?

dont know what that is.

Er –do you have a card you can use at the atm?

Aha! yeah I do but it’s up at the coop so can you–

Yes, just go get yr card & once you’re paid–

Wait wait wait — you wanna take the money outta the bank now?

Yes, and then we’ll get you set up for yr installation date–

Well it’s not in the bank now.

Well cant you transfer it to that account via on-line banking?

Um… the money hasta be driven to town during banking hours and deposited.

(Pause for processing this prehistoric reference) Well, anytime in the next five days, you can call and we can set you up.

So whew, I’m off the phone whatta relief except arrggh now is when I realize I dont have quite enough money.  So now I sit at the roundtable smokin tryin to uplift my disappointment and it’s late afternoon, temperature droppin fast and….along comes Paula, who sightreads my posture and asks what’s wrong.

I glumly tell her, o boohoo & grrr, and wowza my disappointment is mushroomclouding bigger & bigger as I put words on it but!and! Paula says yesyesbutnonowaitwait I have money & even still this uncashed paycheck, we can make it work!  Very well then, I stomp up to the coop to get my money and put on a coat & Paula comes dancillling back from the pier w/her pack and here we are at the roundtable, age about 12, gleefully conspiring to buy some cool verboten gadget off the back of a comicbook. 

 

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Rugs: State Yr State

“So, whaddaya wanna be, when you grow up?”

“Free to ignore questions of this rude ilk.”

 

But seriously, folks, the ambition of becoming a rugmaker did not fire my dreams nor even appear on my oscilloscope, and yet — ta-dah, today I am a rugmaker even so. 

Now I just revisited all my youthful ambitions, and wow what a luckout that I did not realize any of them … and you?

How We Carpool Part 3: Scatter & Regroup

While Pokey & Badger had lunch, I lounged in FridaKahlo splendor in the parkinglot smokin and readin the metric system book I’d snatched at the library sale — on account of, I had started noticin every singlebingle computerly measurement of anything is always metric so hmm seemed like a good idea.  Cohorts returned to truck refreshed and recharged, & we had a small pow-wow about hmmm where to now?   I got dropped at the postoffice whilst Pokey & Badger continued on to the laundrymat, then walked across the street to cybercafe where I had a wowser time listenin to all the audio files my dear highspeed friends send me from time to time, and checkin out the videos the dittos ditto, and like that.  Meanwhile I was writing one of these posts, which hmm was too much multi-tasking for me, so I blasted out for a smoke and had just realized okay I’m done for now when Pokey came rumblin along in the truck, announcin it had started right up, yahoo!  I declined a ride to the healthfood store, and strolled over there feelin in my pockets for my list.  Then I remembered oh right I didnt have a list because I was too wound up about cybercafe and library sale opp to write a list.

So we all did the food shoppin together which was helpful cause I was gettin tired and cranky — but aha!  I remembered there was a bottle of water from home in the cab.  But oho!  It was pretty hot in the cab and so was the water!  But yeeha I was really thirsty so I drank wo more than my share and then got to drink the rest when cohorts both declined due to  “Eeyuew, hot water, no thanks!”  Then we loaded the food in the truck and drove to the laundrymat and folded all the clothes and Badger did the packing of the load so that nothin else would blow out and hoorah we didnt have to stop at the gas station so just headed outta town, homeward bound.

I had perked up quite a bit after drinkin the water, so was not even lyin down but rather propped up so I could write in my notebook as we zoomed along when *** startlingly and precipitously*** the spare tire came zooming fast ran over my belly rebounded from the back of the cab, and fell on its side.  So I laughed all the way to our turnoff onto the dirt road.  Then we had a little pause while Badger exclaimed how impossible it was that the tire could have escaped the milkcrates & laundrybags & whatnots she had positioned between it and me, and I was a crappy correspondent cause I was writin in my notebook and didnt see what happened…..And Pokey asked if I was hurt and all that, and then we all got distracted by a stand of elderberries we forgot lived on that stretch of road, which’s a big important deal because Pokey and Lolly make elderberry wine and are always on the lookout for likely harvest-spots.

So that’s how Pokey and Badger and I carpool.  All the dragon permutations do it different.  I know a lotta the permutations cause I dont drive so I always go to town with at least one other dragon.  A lotta folks in the hereabouts carpool, not so much for goin to work but for towntrips.  Do you?

 

How We Carpool Part 2: Rollin on the Pavement

First off I would like to remark:  Imagine my bemusement when I went to a city library sale & discovered they were sellin library books.  Thousands of them.   Ack!  Smalltown libraries dont do that, in my experience.  How it works in our town these days, ferinstance, is that all through the year the librarians accept yr donated books and stash them around various hideyholes till some behind-the-scenes helpers pick them up & truck them to the holding area — usually a rented storage unit these days.  Then when the week of library sale arrives, helpers convey books to the wherever the sale is being held that year (always a donated place, of course), & arrange them in somewhat sweepingly generalized categories, & open up the doors.  The prices are a quarter to two dollars for all the books except the newest published within the past year books, which range from two to seven dollars.

Meanwhile, on the capitalizm side of book-readin, there was for many years on the town square Shelley’s usedbooks store, which I frequented with regularity & delight.  And when the bookpiles started crowdin my rugging elbow, I would take them off to the library for the fundraising sale (where sometimes Shelley would buy them back & put them on her shelves again).

And then last fall, Shelley threw a 3month goin outta business sale & shut it down.  I was havin a crabby time & was irked about losin my bookstore.  However it was a true gob sale — in the last week she was sellin any/all books for a dime apeice so — I bought a lotta books.  And that turned out to be good timing because another grrr that season was that I couldnt use the woodstove so hadda shrink the space I was gonna heat to a size an electric radiator could heat.

First I stapled a sheet of plastic floor to ceiling around the winterquarters area, then lined that with quilts & blankets, then realized hey!  Books are great insulation!  So I started stoppin off at the liquor store on the way to Shelley’s sale to select good stackable wall-boxes, and meanwhile the prices were goin down down down, & I just kept buyin more more more books — though I gotta say I couldnt quite bring myself to buy books I had no intention of reading which was kinda eccentric of me…So that by the time bigcold winter came, I had a pretty snug plastic bubble walled high enough with boxes o’books to make life doable.  And then I prettymuch spent the winter ruggin & readin.

So of course, Phoenix, by the time June rolled around, I had a many anda many boxes o’books for which I had no further use — on account of, though of course I kept any books other dragons might wanna read, none of them is a ferinstance TravisMcGee fan, nor John LeCarre, that sorta thing.

Okay!  Now we are back in the present rollin on into town going directly to the library sale, which unfortunately has a pretty flat parking lot, especially by the building which’s where Pokey parks because hey we have a lotta books to unload here — but aha!  There’s a dolly!  But aha!  Badger first pushes the dolly up the ramp & it tips & dumps all the boxes!  But aha!  Pulling it up backwards works fine!  Pokey & Badger trundle the books in and I wander off into the wonders of this years’ library sale, my money tingling in my pocket.

Then, unbeknownst to me, the truck wont start again.  So Badger’s pushin the truck across the parkinglot and Pokey’s …hmmm, what’s that technical term?  poppin the clutch, is it? — well anyway it wasnt workin.  So then a kindly helpful came over & started pushin the truck with Badger but irk, nothin.  So kindly-helpful got out his jumpercables & they did that, durin the course of which, kindly-helpful told Pokey the battery doesnt actually start chargin when you drive until you are goin 50mph or faster.  Which Pokey hadnt done on the way in due to the FridaKahlo experiment. 

Very well then!  Pokey blasted off to roar up & down the highway awhile, & Badger walked to the hardware store for current project supplies and by the time she came back I was lyin in the grass by the parkinglot smokin, on account of grr although there was a giant scifi section this year, believe it or not every singledingle one of the scifis were startrek books.  But aha!  I had found the complete unabridged Stranger in a Strange Land in the hardback fiction, so was very satisfied.  Badger filled me in on what’s happenin with the battery & we admired the treetops for a while, & then Pokey came boomin along, lookin a bit sheepish…Oy says Pokey, um the lid of the tupperware for the laundry blew outta the back somewhere along the highway — I looked for it but I couldnt find it.  We tease her a bit & resume our truck positions, and we’re off, next stop lunch at Lulu’s.

Clip/Saw/Snip/Repetition

Pokey’s reading Stranger in a Strange Land.  She reads it in the rockinchair whilst waitin for coffeewater to boil.  She reads it on the stoop and lyin in bed.  She readsit readsit readsit all the time time time.  Kitey smiles upon her fondly.  “Heh-heh-heh,” she is thinking, “another convert to my evil scifi cult.”

 

In the long ago times a famous smartass said,  ”The basic glitch in democracy occurs when the majority abandons governing itself in favor of ruling the minority.”  But hmmm who really develops self-governance in a goofball society where the bigs boss the small.

 

When Does the Funeral Begin?

Though we might all wish to be remembered fondly,  we’d jolly-well ruther be around for the fondness…

 

In the golden times in Atlantis, when we dropped the clipper-flange in the leaves — hey!  No worries!  On account of mice & birdies would come cherrily singing outta the underbrush & ferret it out in no time — hmmm, or maybe that’s some disneymovie we’re nostalgin about…….

 

Old Saws Still Cut

If you would rather be villianously persecuted than magnificently triumphant you are an idiot.

How We Carpool or, How I Got Runover in the Back of the Pickup/ Part 1

Very well then!  At roundtable yesterday morning, Pokey says, “I think we should get it together & go to town today — I watched the weather & they are predicting possible rain every day this week.  So if we wanna do laundry & get the books to the library sale, I say let’s grab today.”   So Badger Pokey & Kitey scatter to their various get-ready-for-town-chores.

Kitey goes up to the Coop & uses boards to make a trestletable of the rainbuckets, & stacks boxes of books on it so that when Badger brings the wheelbarrow, they will be at the head of the path instead of inside the breezeway into which it is a bitch to wrestle the wheelbarrow.  Then Badger brings the wheelbarrow the back way because it is more level, however the back path hasnt been used much lately & is kinda jungley so she has already decided by the time she arrives that she’s takin the books down the front path.  Kitey & Badger wrestle the wheelbarrow all the way through the breezeway (which’s basically a drainageditch haphazardly bridged by planks & pallets), and Badger starts wheelin the books down to the pickup.  There’s maybe a couple-3 hundred books, so it takes a few trips.

The plan is to load the books in the very back of the pickup bed to stablize the bounce, because Kitey has had a brainstorm since the drears of winter, & is conjurin to ride to town in FridaKahlo style — except no fourposter or band, boohoo.   So we’re gonna stash Kitey across the bed behind the cab, & fit laundry, librarysale books, recycling, sparetire, & giant tupperware-for-in-case-of-rain-at-least-some-of-the-laundry-wont-get-sopped, all the somewherelses we can find.  Well hoo-hah we succeed.

When everyone’s sufficiently spiffed for town, Kitey goes down to stand at the end of the turnaround, because the battery’s dead so Pokey hasta jumpstart it in reverse which’s kinda too jolty of an operation for Kitey’s pickiness.  Pokey & Badger come roarin up, & Badger leaps outta passenger seat, gives Kitey a leg up as though they do it every day, & off we go to town.

A nervous dog lives across the road from our mailbox, so we dont crank up BobMarley until after we pick up the mail.  Then we sing GetupStandup & Badger blams out the verse we sing instead of MrMarley’s third just like that, woo-hah.  Then acourse we do it again.  Then Pokey remembers the name of the one Kitey calls the “other one” & we do OneLove a bit, & then we’re onto the paved road so the cab girls can talk amongst themselves cause it’s too windy-loud for Kitey to converse through the back window.

This whole first part of the trip to town is a leisurely drive along dirt roads borderin fields of Chicory, Echinachea, QA’s Lace, Fleabane, BlackeyedSusans, Ironweed — well many the manies — interspersed with woods.  Oh yeah & then homeplaces of people — 6 altogether, on that stretch.  When we turn onto the pavement the gearup begins — it is not just higherspeed travel, it is a whole gearup of the person-person interface, cause in town people interface faster.  So Badger & Pokey listen to the rest of the cd & talk & rev in the cab, & Kitey lies on her pallet & smiles upon FridaKahlo & watches the treetops spin by.

Trios/Duets/Solos/Repetition

The Interviewer, the Inquisitor, & the QuestionBox went to the interrogation workshop.  The Interviewer’s audiofiles went overboard durin the wrapup lake cruise, so she retained no memory of the weekend.  The Inquisitor got thrown out the first day for unsanctioned torture-methods.  The QuestionBox heard the story of the doorman’s escape from Afghanistan, was entrusted with the location of a housekeeper’s favorite troutfishin stream, learned how to sharpen mowerblades from the groundskeeper, & caught a ride home with a workshop presenter inna Cessna.  Well, ya pays yr money & ya takes yr chances.

 

EcoNazis

Here’s the sitch:  We are all eyeroll about EcoNazis & we are all EcoNazis our own durned selves — on specific issues.  Jeckle ferinstance is on about recycled toiletpaper.  Mebbe is irk on creek-pollution.  Snakey is grrr that folks toss plastic bags instead of washin & reusin them.  Pokey is picky about order & neatness of recycle corner.  Lolly is adamant about cuttin live trees (especially when electric company crew does it).  Dagda has lost a coupla lawnmowin jobs due to refusal to mow ferinstance fleabane dandelions burdock & others of the weedy ilk.  What’s yours?

 

The PhoenixBird is lollin about doin hospital tests.   “Er, look out;”  the nurses are always whisperin, “she could immolate at any moment.”  “Poo-pah,” says Dr.Asbestos, “I am not concerned.”    Yeah that is kinda the doctor attitude, aint it.

 

Desire/Purchase/Repetition

The Way of the Turtle

What’s the difference between……………………………………………..slow, & patient?  Well hmmm what’s the similarity?

              [Cant see this graphic?  Likely yr computer is too ancient;  better buy a new one quick.]

 

One time at roundtable  Prettyadamant asked if other mammals have clitorises?  We go round the round:  I dunno.  Hmm, I dont know.  I dont know either.  Me neither.  Ya got me.  Then acouple years later she did it again w/ditto results.  Me, I still dont know.  You?

 

Communes w/o Borders

Basically a ditto of OpinioNations.

 

Sagey & Kite are doin mother-daughter, except this time Kite’s doin mother.  Sagey’s sharin minion stories, & Kite remarks that you generally catch more flies with honey than with brain embolizms.  “Snark,” says Sagey, “I dont want flies, it’s obedience I’m after!”  “Oh-ah,” nods Kite, “flies are not very biddable, true.”

 

Some festigoers were sittin around the Universal Campfire sayin their plans for  When They Drop The Big One.  “If I survive the initial blast,” said Cherry Ames, “I will give hope comfort & basic hygiene information to all those in need.”

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Gravity/Levity/Repetition

NatureNitcher

How can you tell if a turtle is a lesbian?   (rainbow bumpersticker)

How can you tell if a copperhead is a lesbian?   (good sense of humor)

How can you tell if a stone is a lesbian?   (why would you care?)

 

As you may know, the OpinioNation does not recognize national borders.  Some folks think this implies a metaterritory.  Some folks think this implies opinion-entitlements.  Some folks think this implies some kinda hippie crap.  After a buncha tedius roundtable blab about it, the Prankster became curious and secured an interview:  “Care to say,” queries the Prankster, “why y’all dont recognize national borders?”  “O Prank,” replies the Opinio, “try as we might to differentiate, they all look alike to us.”

 

Everyone who didnt see that one coming is gonna require Remedial Foresight.   Hmmm, another potential cottage industry….

 

Pokey & Bobobarino were doin roundtable.  “Did you know,” says Pokey, “that the reason copper’s payin so high at Salvage&Recycle is the stoopid Iraq Invasion? — because they need the copper for bullets!”  “Humph,” says Bobobarino, “it’d be more efficient to invent a pennyshooter gun.”  “Nah,” says Pokey, “pennies arent even copper; they are faux copper.”  “Wellll,” says Bobobarino, “then we could ditch the gun thing and do a PennyPitch war.”  “Hmmm.” they contemplated.  Overhead at the cherryfest, an eavesdropping squirrel gave it some consideration, then realized the invaders would cheat as usual…  too bad.

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Amali Injam said:

                              “It is language that is linear, consciousness is not — nor is our experience of it linear.”   Loopy said,  “Okay Amali, but what about connotations associations implications allusions intimations assumptions & all those other unnaméd ones?”  Then Amali Injam didnt answer, which usually means “find out!” and sometimes means “I am tactfully not remarking upon yr error,” and sometimes means “My soap is on now.”

 

Why We Like GeorgeW:

not immortal (whew)

jesus would.

Inspired the George W Bush Singers

Inspired that bumper-sticker “Lick Bush” that all the lesbians had — oh that was his dad, wasnt it…

Miffle/Buffle/Repetition

Derivitive

The concept of intellectual property seems to be founded in assumption of intellect itself as possession.  Because why?  Is intellect creation of its “owner”?

 

In the time of the Tiltocs, 3 wealths were excepted from communal pride:  talents dreams & courage.  Hmm.

 

The Knock-Knock Accords

Knock-knock // (no response) // knock-knock // (no response) // knock-knock-knock-knock-knock! //(no response) // KNOCK-KNOCK-KNOCK-KNOCK-KNOCK! // (no response) … Summary:At dragon, no response means Not Recieving.  In the Outlands, no response is often interpreted as “omigod something’s wrong, you call 911 whilst I break down the door!”  So hmmm, in the Outlands knock-knock means, essentially, ‘prepare to be invaded’…

 

Invaders Handbook

Clearly state necessity for invasion — we reccomend something good/evil polarised.

Expend the priciest armaments first (keeps yr economy strong).

Spend lives like unbottled water.

 

The Knock-knock Accords

Knock-knock // “Knock louder!” // KNOCK-KNOCK // “Um no, that’s not it — try knocking more!” //Knock-knock-knock-knock-knock // “Uh-uh, still not it — oh, try more of a reggae beat this time.” // Knock-k-knock, k-knock-k-knock-k-knock-knock // “No no no…hmm, maybe a little calypso?” // ………………………………………………..//  “tee-hee” // Announcer:  “Affordable Home Security.  Green ideas for a green future.”

 

Susan the Dowager Otter always said, “You can get used to anything — but why would you want to?”  

 

Who’s Driving Now?

the music.  can you hear it now?…….can you hear it now?…….can you hear it now?…….