imaginary interview: part one

[This imaginary interview exists because something about this event was deeply disturbing (hence interesting) to me.  I figured if I told the story I might find out something about why, or at least have a slow-mo look at what happened -- but hark&lo I couldnt write it.  Then after makin everyone miserable for a coupla days I hadda idea --  " whooppee, I'll pretend Sagey's interviewing me about it--no matter what kinda boring stuff she wants me to talk about, I always can and it's always fun so humph likely it'll work on this, too."]

Sage:  So did something happen, that got you interested in rural highspeed?

Kite:  Yeah well what happened was skype, when I skyped with you & Paul from the cybercafe, and on the way home I said…”hmmm, skyping from home!”  So — oh right, computersharing — well it pretty much falls out that we shareout the times of day, and since I’m the only one awake from 2 to 4 am, that’s my time — so I find TwinkleTwinkle, rural highspeed, and I dont read the page cause I know it’s an ad — ie, a bunch of legally-defensible lies — however 2 blips get through my antiad security:  “30 times faster than dial-up” and “affordable”.  So I send an email sayin “how much does it cost” and next night there’s a reply “o we need yr phone # to determine if yr in our service area.”  I go out to the roundtable and havva smoke and consider if givin TwinkleTwinkle the phone# could result in ferinstance a telemarketer blitz or something.  I decide nah, because that’s practically stalking, even if yr not famous,  and would be bad for business.  So I divulge the phone#.

                 Next day at roundtable Pokey says “Oh Kitey do you know anything about some man from TwinkleTwinkle who left you a callback message?”  “Grrr,” sez I, “just erase it, I am gonna do this by email.”  I email TwinkleRep sayin I hate phone kindly respond via email.   Also by then I’d hadda grand fantasyblab with Pokey and Badger of the sparkling possibilities of Living In TheFuture and all like that, including wonderments such as:  What’s the broadcast radius of a router?  If we had one at the kitchen would it service the Gardenshed? The Coop? – because you know, 2 folks have private laptops… so I asked about router too, except called it that little box with the electricblue blinkysweep that citypeople have cause I didnt know the router word yet.  TwinkletwinkleRep says multiple users suck speed.   I ask again how much does it cost which’s the makeorbreak info — response:  Big Sale this month…..(Eeeyore moan)   Well, to compress:  After 3 weeks the only $ amount vouchsafed has been that $51 &change per month is the lowestcost package, upon which I immediately asked:Do you contract at that amount for the whole 2 years?  response: legaleeze mumbojumbo…

                I sidetrack my temper conjurin creative ways to ask how much does it cost…my favorite was “What are the magic words I write that elicits a dollar amount re how much does installation cost”, hee-hee, … and then….oh right, TwinkleTwinklerep notifies me I have 5 days left in which to take advantage of introductory offer which’s $250 off reg installation price! — call this phone number.

Sagey laughs

                       Yeah, I know…. and you know I am not a great phoneblabber….so I fill in everyone at the roundtable and Badger & Paula say “Hey I want this too, I would chip in”, so I decide to call.   Fortunately that afternoon we have a break in the thunderstorm/tornado portion of our weather program, so I can do telephone outside at roundtable and smoke — you know we dont smoke in the kitchen [irate]oh unless we are the bigimportant Makers of the Nosmokin Rule in which case we secretly smoke in there whenever we fuckin feel like it which’s extrememly Congressional of you girlz — ,ack — um — well you can edit that, right?

Sagey giggles: Right.

So now I’m On the Phone.  After quite a few nosy questions, at last the secret installation fee is revealed — $284.  I am still afloat, because hey by the time installer arrives here I will have that cash in hand, yippee!!  However next comes the crash:

credit card #?

dont have credit card.

debit card?

dont know what that is.

Er –do you have a card you can use at the atm?

Aha! yeah I do but it’s up at the coop so can you–

Yes, just go get yr card & once you’re paid–

Wait wait wait — you wanna take the money outta the bank now?

Yes, and then we’ll get you set up for yr installation date–

Well it’s not in the bank now.

Well cant you transfer it to that account via on-line banking?

Um… the money hasta be driven to town during banking hours and deposited.

(Pause for processing this prehistoric reference) Well, anytime in the next five days, you can call and we can set you up.

So whew, I’m off the phone whatta relief except arrggh now is when I realize I dont have quite enough money.  So now I sit at the roundtable smokin tryin to uplift my disappointment and it’s late afternoon, temperature droppin fast and….along comes Paula, who sightreads my posture and asks what’s wrong.

I glumly tell her, o boohoo & grrr, and wowza my disappointment is mushroomclouding bigger & bigger as I put words on it but!and! Paula says yesyesbutnonowaitwait I have money & even still this uncashed paycheck, we can make it work!  Very well then, I stomp up to the coop to get my money and put on a coat & Paula comes dancillling back from the pier w/her pack and here we are at the roundtable, age about 12, gleefully conspiring to buy some cool verboten gadget off the back of a comicbook. 

 

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