Interview With The ImageBurgler Part One

What’s your favorite “good timing for a picture” story?

I’d hafta say those mating turtles.  This was shortly after I moved to dragon, and it was a rainy morning and I was on my way to town and when I walked outside, lo and behold there they were in the driveway behind my car.  And I was like, “Eek!  What should I do?”  So I went and asked Badger, what should I do, and she said, “Well, leave ‘em alone and let them do their doins,” and I said “Yeah, but I really need to go to town!”  And a’course I didnt really wanna disturb them soooo, I thought “Oh!  Great opportunity to take a picture!”   And when I was takin the picture, the male was hissin at me…  So I went ahead and snapped the pictures and then I was like, “Okay, okay, I’ll leave you alone,” and went back in my house.  Then I went back about an hour later and they were gone.And I wanna tell about the copperhead pictures too…So I’m cruisin along in my house and Badger comes to the door and says, “Hey, there’s three copperheads in my woodpile and maybe you wanna take a picture.”  So I grab the camera and go over there and oh my god they’re just so beautiful and I’m snappin snappin away gettin really close and not really considering the danger or anything…So I was gettin reeeeeeeally close to get a picture of their faces (and it’s true they were really close together), and as I did that one of them lifted up its head and stuck its tongue out at me and hissed a little low hissing…and so I backed off and that was the last one of those shots.  And both the turtles and the copperheads have been quite popular at events where I show my pictures.

 Care to say where?

So far just to womengatherings.  So, at Midwest someone asked me, upon seein the turtles-mating picture, “What does this mean?” [laughs] to my shock, really…[laughs]  I mean, whaddya mean “What’s it mean?” — What’s it look like!  So then I said “Well, they’re lesbian turtles,” just to shut her up.

Dissatisfaction/Satisfaction/Repetition

Ignorance is blitzed!   Dragonshare Basic Computer Skills:  Setup:When all plugs are plugged, wipe down wires w/peppermint oil else mice will chew through them.  Jammed Keys?:  Invert keyboard & shake — sometimes it’s only a stray thumbtack.

 

Capt.Snakey & Capt.Birdie are addressing a snag.  “Let’s file this sucker,” sez Capt.Snakey, “and get on with the rest of the manicure!”  “Eeek, no,” sez Capt.Birdie, “I need all the emoryboards for a future project.”

 

“Killing is like eating,” remarked Parma, “–it is only morally reprehensible if you do it to your own species.”  “To the killing/eating list,” replied Lati, ” — I suggest we add:  boring.”

 

Where’s The Graphics?

Dear Prankster, I know that, as a longtime champion of diversity, you will realize that many readers love the graphics as much as, if not more than, the jokes!  Are they being discontinued?  Would a write-in campaign save the graphics?  What’s going on?  Where’s the graphics?  Yours Etc, SpyEye.                                           Reply:  Ummmmmm…what in hell is a champion of diversity?

 

BikerMama and Sir were really hungry, but HoloTodd wasnt on yet.  “You lazy bum,” carps Granny, “–post some cooking shows!”

 

“In ‘Do The Right Thing’,” says Siskel, “Spike Lee lays out some bottomline ethical variables–”  “Doesnt he always?” snarks Ebert.  Then they get into a little pouty-match…  dont they always?

 

“I will like to remark,” ssid Parma, “that when we come to choosing between fun and funny, surely All Sentient Beings naturally prefer fun!”  “Why a choice between?” said Lati, “–why cant we have both?”  “Aha!” said Parma, “–a typical heeooman response, obscuring the fact that, of All Sentient Beings, only we humans are willing to settle for funny!”  “Ah-hmm,” said Lati, whereupon the eavesdropping podcaster deleted this conversation from her ammunitionbelt…

 

Amali Injam said:

                             “Matter is more organization than mass.  Reorganization refreshes structure;  resisting mass only reinforces the stagnant organization.   (This is a secret of metaphysics that doesnt just work for real sorcerers.)”

 

 

 

Nuremburg/Watergate/Repetition

Some folks think evolution is a race.  Some think it is a planet.

 

Some babies are hangin around the GreenRoom waitin for delivery.  Some are pacing, some are exploring the snackbar, some are webbrowsing, some are watchin the monitors.  “Am I on next?” they were always saying.

 

“Well of course I fired her on the spot!”  says Brittle GlassHead, “—I’m not paying the Help to make fun of me!”   “Maybe,” offered Dr. Haldol, “—she wasnt charging you, hmmm?”

 

When we all lived in Atlantis, whipporwills came equipped with a mute button…

 

Bruzenskya, bossdragon of the Outpost years, came for a visit.  After spendin a coupla days with Dagda and Kitey, Bruzenskya remarked pointedly, “I can hardly help but notice, my girlz, that you are living on your knees!”  “Ah yes,” nods Kitey, ” — no furniture, you see.”

 

What’s the difference between…………………………………………evolution and embetterment?

Play/Irk/Repetition

Some festigoers were sittin around the Universal Campfire sayin how come they were the highest-consciousness-of-all.  “Well,” said a one festigoer, “I am the highest-consciousness on account of I dont shave my armpits.”  “Yawn,” said another festigoer, “I am the highest-consciousness on account of I dont eat flesh.”  “Wrongo-bongo,” said another festigoer, “I am the highest-consciousness on account of I am fabulously wealthy.”  “Hmmmm,” said the other festigoers.

 

Anna Pavlova was dancilling around the universe.  The wind was singin “Mariah” and the stars were doin back-up.  “Oh sigh,” said Judah, “–isnt she the loveliest thing you ever saw?”  “Huh,” snorted Kitey, “–you should see her feet.”

 

Little Nellie was cryin & cryin in her backyard,  on account of she lost her best marble down the well.  Suddenly in a puff of smoke appeared……SUPersister!  “Whatever is the matter, little sister?” she asked.  “Oh sob and moan,” answered Little Nellie, “– I have lost my best marble down the wellllll!”  “STUPID LITTLE JERK!” said Supersister, ” – WIMPY LITTLE CRYBABY!”

 

Brainstorm was eating spagetti at the party.  “Hey you goofball!” said Kitey, “– you know you will get deathly ill if you eat spagetti!”  “Pish-tosh,” replied Brainstorm, “–I am not eatin it;  I am shovellin it down the front of my shirt.”

 

The Bronte Sisters were practising ‘We Aint Got A Barrel of Money’ for the parish talent show.  “No, no, no!” said Charlotte, “–we all link arms here, and do a little two-step, dont you remember?”  “Oh sigh,” said Anne, “–I think I would rather croak of consumption than practise this stoopid thing one more time.”

 

Lillian the feline was standin ScorpionWatch.  *This is ridiculous* she was thinkin, *–whatm’I supposed to do, ask for ID?  Threaten to phone the exterminator?  If a scorpion really does come onto the porch, I think I will just mosey on into the bathroom and stand in the sink…*

 

Nancy Reagan went to London to see the Queen.  “Howdeedoo,” she said to the Queen, “–as you see, I aint curtseyin, on account of I am not a grovelling monarchist, but a free-standin amurricun.’  “Oh, dinna fash thyself,” said the Queen,  “–we are quite used to your boorish ways.”

 

When the ERA died, everyone went to the funeral.  “O, this is HORRIBLE!” wept Phyllis Schafly, “–I didnt realize it was going to be open-casket!”

 

It’s eleven o’clock — do you know where your potatoes are?  A loving reminder from Mrs. PotatoHead.

 

From Autumn 1982, compliments of Judah, who saved all her carbons….

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

CoughingDragons: A Sporadic Newsletter

Cherrytree branches still swoopin low under the weight of fruit, even though Snakey & Dagda have been up on the ladder pickin cherries by the bucketful.  The chipmunk who lives in the hollow by the crook is gettin a fat belly — this is neither worms nor babies, just cherryabundance.  Day after day of roundtable blabs mediated by glowing cherry canopy.  Day after day of inevitable remark: “I wonder why the birds arent gobbling them?”  One time Harsho replied, “Perhaps there are way fewer birds this year.”  [starwars "March of the Empire" theme...]

 

Dagda remembered how to play guitar again.  Has not yet retrieved the “song of her people”, however Malvina’s “Aint No Hole In My Head” came back so strong one might wonder if it was not-so-much lost, as locked inna treasurechest.

 

Apprentice Wanted:  Now that we are old crocks, everyone wants an apprentice/slave.  This is not news it is practically human nature.  (Hmmm, hence the dwindlfication of familysize concomittant w/machineslave access?  Arrgh!  Is that really true?)

 

                                                          Insights & Blindsiders

Birth Influentials:  Some of us are offspring of merger.  (exist because parents joined forces)  Some of us are offspring of men.  (exist because father required offspring.)  Some are offspring of women. (exist because mother required offspring)  Some of us are children of fate. (exist because abortion unobtainable)  Some of us are children of tradition.  (exist because it’s the next line on the checklist after get driverslicense, get job, get married)  Some of us are children of warmomentum, etc,etc.  All of us are children of mysterious unnaméd influentials as well, yes?  What do you know about mysterious unnaméd influentials?

 

                                                                           Kudos

Ensorcelled  Broom Update:  Excellent successful efforts of the sane orders sweep.  Kudos on yudos.Keep doin it.

 

                                Secrets of Human Intercourse That Dont Just Work For Starship Captains

When you dont know what to do:  Solicit suggestions.

To encourage certain behaviors:  Thank, or occasionally even praise.

To discourage certain behaviors:  Demote.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Behind the Dashboard Without A License

It is my true confession that I dont know how to drive this thing, hence am learnin on the road, so hang on, it’s gonna continue bumpy for the forseeable future  (Ooo! Little bette davis reverb there…).  However — onward!

So ferinstance y’all may be grr that I am not appearin onscreen?  Well humph, that is like totally on account of the delightful avatar-maker keeps on chopping up my body.  I have a pet irk about chopped-body pictures.  So ta-dah!  After I whined about it sufficiently, I attracted the interest of an engineer (not a Scot though — this one’s Irish/Sicilian) and — you know what happened? *Suddenly* I was no longer behind the dashboard, but rather strolling about on the bridge.  Yippee-ki-yaaay!

Hmm just now realized that even if Paddy Carbonari can make the avatar-maker quit choppin-up the picture, it will be kinda small.  So here’s the real deal — this one Pokey burgled the day everyone came home from midwest.  We set up in Pokey’s woodpile and when Dagda arrived she carpetted the area with rugs and cushions, and then Mika the canine came and lay down in the middle of it all and groaned with contentment as we sangin the dusk — then the mosquitobattalion arrived and everyone fled.

Oh, sidebar for Red The Heckler — Sangin:  We sang backup for the sunset.

Lapse/Lapsang/Repetition

 The Knock-knock Accords

 ”Knock-knock.” /// “Come in.” /// “No, no, no!  You’re sposeta say ‘Who’s there?’, you communist!”

 

 Springbok Nation

“Persecuted by Badguys,” says the springbok professor, “our brave ancestors fled the evil wrongheadedness and formed the Righteous Herd of which we are all proud descendents…”   “Why is OUR herd righteous?” says Boinky Pringprong, “– we act exactly the same as every other herd on the savannah.”   “True, Boinky,” says the professor, “however, our actions are righteous because we are righteous, whereas the actions of evilherders are evil, because they are evil, understand?”  “Oh eyeroll,” muttered Boinky, “– I wonder if they teach this same shit at mackeral school.”

 

Spraying one’s pals with a hose only qualifies as a ‘playful’ gesture if the pals are also armed with hoses…

 

Some people were crossing borders.  Some were liking it and some were hating it.  “Where’s the honest money-changer?” they were always saying.

 

 The Knock-knock Accords

“Knock-knock.” /// “Oh durn, the doorblanket’s frozen again..”

 

The Dahlia Llami, spiritual leader of the planet, lives in the gardenplot by the roundtable.  So!  One time when the roundtable talk was about how believing happens, and are we in charge of it or not, and how come we keep on believin our current beliefs even after the recurrent experience of stop-believin beliefs (& wonderin how/why we ever did believe them) and all like that, Mebbe says to the Dahlia Llami, “Any comments?”  “This is good;  this is good,” says the Dahlia Llami, “‘How does the mind work?’ — questioning is always good!”  “Rraorh!” says Brainstorm, “–you always say that!  Whaddaya kkknnooowww about it?”  “Oh-ah,” says the Dahlia Llami primly.  “When asked for comments, I comment.  No one asked for information.”

 

When the homeless case of dried peaches came to dragon, everyone was all welcoming and ‘oh glad to see you’ and all like that, but really they were thinkin about peach wine.                   see what happens?

 

Sharon was reading the dragonjokes.  “Oh Prankster!” she was saying, “–I think these jokes would make wonderful t-shirts!”  “Aaah, i dunno,” says the Prankster, “– paper isnt very stretchy, you know.”

 

The OneTrue Tree Of Which All Others Are But Shadows came to the Old Oaks Home.  “OneTrue is here, OneTrue is here, “  all the oaks were whispering excitedly.  Overhearing this, the visiting acorns blinked and peered about, then exchanged a level look.  “Ga-ga,” they agreed.

 

 

 

 

 

 

The Apprentice of The Apprentice of The Apprentice…

So in the Fantasia cartoon when Mickey is hackin the ensorcelled broom to smithers, it’s all gone wrong because he’s an apprentice, right?  The whole scene is a kinda reinforcement of the major usofa public education message, which’s some variant of “You are useless unless/until you become useful to the military/industrial complex”, right?  The military/industrial complex represented in the cartoon by the Real Socerer, etc….

Lottsa folks doin parenting try to impersonate the Real Sorcerer, yes?    Seems likely that’s just because they humbly believed the mean message, and figure only a Real Sorcerer is a good parent image…  grrourrgh!

So okay, we are all walkin our little fingerpuppets around impersonating .. what, tv characters or movie characters or whatever the usofa is dictating at the moment– mostly that little bit of theatre is goin on.  However, better to use theatre to have fun impersonating ourselves.  On account of, as everyone who remembers childhood knows, we are not fooled by all that know-all sorcerer stuff.  And we’re maybe puzzled and certainly distanced by it. 

Hey!  There could well be a, like, rilly important reason for this masquerade — if yes, kindly clue me in, wouldja?

 

 

 

 

For Dragons Far From Home

Be of good cheer!  For although it is indeed the case that words are rapidly losin their edges, it is all in aid of revealin their depths.

Flukey weather continues delightful/grrr/educational.  Ferinstance, after Pokey removed all the soppings from the phoneroom — like way last month sometime when the phoneroom leak was gettin to be attention-seeking (oh yeah and Snakey said hey great we will have a roofrepair workparty with all the comearoundafterfestivalvisitors and then none of them came, tee-hee)  oh yeah well anyway so Pokey cleaned and cleared the phoneroom and put drippybuckets in appropriate places  and — ta-dah! The roof quit leaking.  Pretty impressive on account of flukeyweather has included bigwind-deluges with stunning regularity.

Music:  Kitey invented an easy-in easy-out sequence (otherwise known as attention-switching maybe) so music is happening again AND! here is the wonderfulness:  During the actual exciting writing of songs moments it has become possible to stop playin and singin and write in a legible hand the words and chords and changes and mindchanges AND then when the session is done and the rendition is perfected, to copy it legibly into one of the new dont-need-a-codebook-to-decipher books.  Also a bunch of cool other musichappenings which will hafta wait til yr return (heh-heh-heh)

The Shed of Retention has not fallen down yet.

Snakey invented a new NET technique which removes toxins like, totally in one go, rather than just sendin em on to the next organ down the line…

All is verdant!burgeoning!flourishing!learning&growing! — in other words, “it is spring, and we are all gearing up for the annual sexdrive.”

 

Background/Foreground/Repetition

The babychicken is yellin help.  “Help help!Get me outta here!  It is dark and crampy!”  “Hang on!” calls the rescuer, “Rescue911 is on the job!”  “Eek Eek!” screeches the baby chicken, “Dont crack my shell, you clumsy fool!”

Some apples were growin in the orchard.  They grew dreamily in the sun and the moon and the rains rainin down.  Then one day an apple said, “Oh the wonderfulness!  I am ripe!”  Along came a walkingby, and picked this apple and ate it.  “Hmmmm,” said the other apples…

Some people were hangin around the cosmos when along came a walkinby sayin, “Hey! Have you heard about immortality?”  “Oh…no thank you,” said the people, “We would rather have the lifeinsurance money.”

Some apples were growin rotten in the tall orchard grasses.  “I wonder whatever happened to that eaten-up apple?”  they were wondering…

Everybody went to Festival.  Some were liking it and some were hating it.  “Have you got any extra toiletpaper?” they were always saying…

Some acorns were visiting at the Old Oaks Home.  “Momma is so much happier here,”  they were always saying, “– than livin alone in that apartment.”

Some apples were growin dreamily in the sun and the rain and the moon moonin down.  “Hey!  Have you heard about immortality?” said an apple.  “Have you heard about apple pie?” said the other apples.

Some people were bein immortal.  “Well….now whaddaya wanna do?”: they were always sayin..